I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Randomize
