I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize