Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
