Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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