this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
