I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
