Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
