I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
