from now on my penis is your penis
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
