Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
