let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
