Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize