I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
