so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
