I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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