I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
