I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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