I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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