We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize