I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
