I wish my penis had an off switch
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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