My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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