He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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