My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
how does that bad decision feel?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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