think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize