Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
