Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I would fuck him just for his dog
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
