??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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