1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
