and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
