Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
