There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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