I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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