I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
