I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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