I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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