i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize