we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You are the jesus of drinking
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
