fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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