dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
