Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
