i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
