last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
