Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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