i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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