one word: firstdatebathroomanal
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
