if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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