I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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