Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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