i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
