In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
