my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
