How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
