I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
