At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize