if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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