Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
