he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
