I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You ruined the universe
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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