Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
