Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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