you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
