Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
