Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
