Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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